A year ago at this time we never would have dreamed we'd be celebrating our baby's first birthday without her.
In some ways it's hard to believe that a year has gone by already, and in other ways it feels like it's been longer than a year. Looking back to those first days, weeks and months without our Mya, I shudder thinking about how dark of a time that was. We were so lost and so aching to hold our sweet baby. Kiss her and smell her just one more time. There were many hopeless days and nights that felt like I would never feel free and happy again. Times when I thought I would never be able to look at another baby again. Hopeless is a pretty good word to describe how we felt for a while.
Now, a year later, looking back and connecting the dots from that dark time to now, it's obvious that it's been God that has gotten us from there to here. We still have people coming up to us telling us that they're still praying for us, and I truly believe that it's those prayers that have kept us going, and have gotten us where we are today. God has been so good to us and has truly helped our hearts begin to heal. He helped us through those "first times" that were so hard, and by His grace, those second and third times got easier to bear. Looking back, we can really see God's timing in preparing us for what was about to happen to us, and how He already had everything figured out.
There's been lots of questions that Dan and I have asked God in our minds in the last year, and many of them are still not answered and some that are still not worked through. I am personally still working through learning how to find comfort in saying "I trust You, Lord", because I now know that trusting Him doesn't necessarily mean that the people I love are going to be safe. It sure doesn't mean that there won't be hard times ahead. I'm learning that it means "I trust that You will uphold me through whatever happens"...but somehow that's not quite as comforting. I suppose I can be thankful that God is making my faith more real and helping me understand how it really is.
Many times we wonder what it would be like if Mya was still here. What would her smile look like and how would her giggle sound? I try to picture how her face would light up at the sight of her mommy and daddy. I wonder if she would be walking by now and if she would be saying words. Would she have curly hair or straight hair? Would it still be dark or would it be blond? What is she doing in Heaven right now? Is she celebrating her birthday there?
To all of you who have supported us in any way, thank you! We honestly have experienced the Body of Christ in the way that God intended it to be through this year. People have been the hands and feet of Jesus to us and we have many times been in awe at that.
Here are some pictures from our short time with Mya:
Such a good daddy.
Trying to soak up everything about her
Her cute little face. So perfect!