I also wanted to pick a new name..."Dan and Laura's Journey" was seeming a bit bland to me, and this blog has never really been something Dan has contributed to, so I thought I should find something a little more personal. I wanted to think of something meaningful and that would apply to my posts, and I came up with "Striving for Servanthood".
Lately, servanthood has been on my mind a lot. It's something that I really am not that great at yet, but something I really want to get my heart attitude to. I think the thing that got me started was a specific chapter in Sally Clarkson's book, "the Mission of Motherhood" (awesome book, by the way!!).
Servanthood is not something that comes naturally to me. I'll back up a little bit...
Motherhood has been harder than I remember it being before. I'm sure it's just a phase that I'm in, or maybe it's a testing phase, I don't know. I don't think it's even that my kids are being extra-hard to take care of, I think I'm just having a harder time than ever with giving of myself. All the time. It's not the kids' fault. It's my own selfishness being EXTRA loud. I hate it!!! I feel like I'm in a battlefield in my mind all day, fighting off what I want to do for myself and what I know is the right thing to do for my family.
I WANT to be a good mom, and spend lots of good quality time with my kids, and respond with patience every time they disobey or want something or are whiny or overtired or won't sleep as long as I want them to, etc...but many of those times, my selfishness is right there, screaming inside of me. It reminds me of this verse in Romans:
"So I find it to be a law that when I want to do right, evil lies close at hand." - Romans 7:21
Being a good mom is so important to me. Having healthy routines and discipline and teaching and fun and bonding time in place is a big priority for me as a mom. I love my kids and I want to us to have a great relationship and for them to know that they are important to me and that they are very loved.
But even though that is all so important to me, more times than I like I find myself being short with my kids, being easily annoyed, and not the most patient. I've thought and prayed a lot about this (because I hate feeling like that! I know it's wrong!) and I've come to realize that I'm feeling that way because I'm focusing on myself too much. On when I'm going to get that few minutes of Laura time. On how I had to stop and start reading that one page article 5 times before I got through it because of "mommy!!!" inturruptions. On how I'm tired. On how I can't drink my morning coffee in peace. You get the idea.
I think that if I can let go of the things "myself" wants and expects out of my day and I can focus on being a servant as Jesus was while He was on the earth, not only would I be a better wife & mom, I would also be more satisfied. If my expectations for the day were focused on being a servant to my family instead of taking care of myself and my "needs", I think it will be easier to have a good attitude about it, and be more patient, loving and creative with my kids throughout the day. I'm sure I will still get little bits of time that I can do what I want, but if I just take it as it comes rather than looking for it, I think I'll be more patient.
More than ever, I'm realizing that there's no way that I can be the servant wife & mom that I want to be (and that God wants me to be) on my own. I just can't! That thought is both freeing and humbling. I guess if I'm honest I'd like to say that I'm naturally a patient, loving, gentle, sweet, creative, fun, awesome mom, but the truth is...I am nothing good without Him. And I'm so thankful that He does help me and that He can make me into a GREAT wife & mom, and that I don't HAVE to do it on my own!
I think that's enough babbling for tonight (if you've actually made it to the end of this post, I'd be suprised! :)
I will post again soon with a little blurp from the Mission of Motherhood that has inspired me about servanthood.
"But whoever would be great among you must be your servant, and whoever would be first among you must be your slave, even as the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many". Matthew 20: 26-28
"He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, that we might die to sin and live to righteousness. By His wounds you have been healed." 1 Peter 2:24